GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
