the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
