Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
