Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
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