Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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