I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
