So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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