They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
