he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
