2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling.
It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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