Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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