we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
