I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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