she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
