I haven't been this sober since birth.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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