I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
