Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
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dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
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Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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