So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
