I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
