I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
