mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
