I think im going to throw up on grandma
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
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i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
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My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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