hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Shame is for Republicans.
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