70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
How's work?
Spinning.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Randomize
