so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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