she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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