Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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