I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
She swung at the pinata with crutches
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
