I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Randomize
