Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
