they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
