too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
