im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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