I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
