Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
17 year olds will be the death of me.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
