New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
