i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
