The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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