Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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