So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
