ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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