I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
