Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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