This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
