if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
My life is pants optional.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
