i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
