I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Randomize
