Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
