I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
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