My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize