Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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