Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
