I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
