after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
