I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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