You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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