youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I can't turn off my feet"
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Randomize
