i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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