I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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