did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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