I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
